No news here I’m afraid – all pregnancy tests are negative, so just waiting to get my period.
It’s been 2.5 years since we started trying for a baby, with three losses along the way. But this post isn’t about how sad I feel about this, but rather how my perspective has changed as we’ve gone along.
After the first loss, I absolutely hit rock bottom. Up to that point, my life had ticked along very nicely – university, good jobs, great friends, fantastic husband – it was all going so well. Then in the space of weeks I got married, had an amazing honeymoon, then was made redundant, moved to a new area where I knew next to no-one, then lost our baby. I can honestly say that those were some of the darkest days I’ve ever know . My entire life was pulled away from me and I really, really struggled to come back from it.
The second and third losses were somehow easier. I think part of me expected to lose them after the first – my whole perspective somehow changed and everything became default to ‘negative’. This was completely unlike me, but it’s easier to deal with the worst if you’re already prepared for it I found.
After this, my husbands mum died, very young and very suddenly. Within three months she was diagnosed with cancer and died.
The whole RPL journey really affected the way I saw my own body. I became very afraid of illness and constantly worried about my health – I think that this came from a distrust of my body – that it used to work, but now it didn’t and I couldn’t rely on it to do what it should like I used to. I struggled with this for a long time and still do a little, especially now I’m on so many treatments which have really affected my day to day life and health.
What I wanted to talk about was how my mind and perspective have changed, after our losses, but more notably since the loss of my mother in law.
We all use that phrase ‘life’s too short’ but I saw first hand a beautiful, kind, healthy woman taken far too soon, and in a horrible, horrible way. And nowadays I still get upset about not having a baby, and having lost so many, but it doesn’t affect me like it used to. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days when I cry and despair and wonder when the f**k all of this will be over and we’ll actually have a baby, but I find myself smiling far more often than crying.
I guess part of me knows that one day this will all be over – either we’ll have a baby, or adopt, or whatever we decide to do, but I want to enjoy as much of my life as I can until then. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll have wasted so much of my life and happiness trying for a baby, and I will never be able to get that time back. I know that I won’t ever be 100% happy until we have a baby, and many times I’ll be enjoying myself, but still with that thought in my mind, but I’ll still damn well try and enjoy myself in the meantime.
Yesterday morning my husband woke me up with a cup of tea in our new home, and as he left for work I lay in bed and listened to the birds singing outside and felt truly happy. I love these moments and I try my best to enjoy them and remember them – because they are what life is all about.
My desire for a baby hasn’t lessened at all, if anything its greater, but I think I’m realising that this is all a marathon now – not a sprint. After three losses, none of it will be easy, but I’ve lost my manic, type A, control freak attitude to all of it. Maybe there’s a limit to how much grief or desire a person can handle, so it somehow naturally just plateaus out, I don’t know, but I feel somehow calmer about it all (except around 8dpo, when I’m actually a mad woman!!). Friends of mine tell me Im so positive – I don’t know if I’m positive at all really, I just don’t want to give up yet, so this is the only option.
I’ll keep plodding on and hoping for the best. I’m going out for dinner with my husband tonight and I’m going to have a glass of wine and a dessert – because like I said, life is too f**king short….