My new plan – ignorance is bliss

Yesterday I wrote about my mini-meltdown after I tested again at 14 days past ovulation and was obsessing over whether or not the line was darker. The stress that this testing caused me was massive – the day before i’d been really calm and was quite happy just plodding along, but yesterday I was anxious all day worrying about the test.

Thank you to everyone who commented and tried to put my mind at rest – I really appreciate it! I did some thinking yesterday and decided that this will now be my new strategy…..

fingers in your ears

I’ve decided that, unless I feel like I really have to, I’m going to stop testing. I’m going for the ‘ignorance is bliss’ approach!

The reality is that i’ve had four pregnancies – two which were chemical and ended after 10 days, one in which my betas were erratic and slow to double from day one and the baby stopped growing at about 6 weeks, and one where my betas doubled perfectly, but the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks – so ultimately, it doesn’t really make a blind bit of difference what the tests say! Even if my tests are perfect, there’s still no guarantee that everything will work out.

With this in mind, I’ve decided that the anxiety which I have about having a miscarriage without any warning (i.e. by not testing) is less than the anxiety which testing every two days would give me. This might sound mental, but right now that’s the way I feel. So i’m just plodding on, taking each day as it comes, and hoping for the best. By not testing, I can kind of forget that i’m pregnant, which again sounds odd, but is somehow making me feel better.

Today I had another intralipid infusion. This is to help to coat the Natural Killer Cells to stop them attacking the foetus. It’s a pretty straightforward procedure – just a drip in your arm, then the intralipids drip through over the course of about 90 minutes. It’s pretty dull, but not painful at all. Here’s a pic of the intralipid infusion:

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And here’s the drip in my arm (sorry if anyone doesn’t like needles/medical pictures!)

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Now I’m just resting at home and looking forward to the weekend!

So we’ll see how things go. I don’t have any massive symptoms – I’m a bit bloated, with sore boobs and some mild cramps – but I’m on progesterone which causes these, as well steroids which mask any nausea, so I don’t really have any idea what’s caused by what at the moment! I’m booked to have an early scan in June, so fingers crossed that I get that far. One day at a time, that’s all I can do at the moment.

Have a good weekend everyone!

X

14 days past ovulation – already stressing out…

After my last pregnancy last month, I decided that never again would I use Clearblue Digital tests. The ‘1-2 weeks’, ‘2-3 weeks’ ‘3+ weeks’ indicator is a brilliant idea, but I just found it so stressful as you never really know whether you’re ‘just’ 1-2 weeks, or ‘almost’ 2-3 weeks etc……so my weapon of choice is now First Response.

I did my First Response test at 12 days past ovulation and got a pretty good positive line, then decided to wait a day and test again at 14 days past ovulation, just to see if there was any progression. I know that anyone reading this who has had miscarriages will understand this logic – as mental as it might sound!

So I did my test this morning. I felt sick with nerves before I did the test, as I was just so scared that the line wouldn’t be there, or would be lighter, who bloody knows?! I still can’t believe that this is all happening weeks after a miscarriage, but there we are. I did the test and I think that it’s not much darker, but it is definitely stronger – if that makes sense?! The 12dpo test line was a bit more grainy, but today’s is a more definite line. I’ve never used FR before, so I have no idea if this is good or not, but I sent a pic to my BFF and she assures me that there is definite progression, so I’m bloody hoping that this is right!

Here’s a pic – I know we all love looking at pee sticks!!!

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I was panicking at first as the line came up – ‘did it come up as quickly as the last one?’, ‘is it dark enough?’, ‘it should be darker’ – just panic, panic, panic really. My common sense head tells me that my period wouldn’t even be due until Saturday/Sunday, so to get a good line this early is probably a great sign, but after so many losses my brain just really feels scrambled 😦

I’ve calmed down now and am trying to just appreciate what I have for now, which is all that I can do really. I have an early scan booked with the specialist in a couple of weeks (if I make it that far) and it just feels like a bloody lifetime away. I think i’ll test again on Saturday, but right now I just feel too drained to even think about it. I’ll see how I feel. I’m also having my intralipid treatment tomorrow, so I’m hoping that that will help me out a bit more, we’ll see. I’ll get some pics and share them in case anyone is interested in how it is done.

We also went to see the NHS specialist yesterday and found out that we are eligible for referral, we would just need some blood tests in a couple of months and then we go from there. I felt like a total phoney being there knowing that i’m pregnant, but with my track record I need to keep my options open! Hopefully we won’t need it, but good to be in the system just in case.

I just have to keep taking this one day at a time don’t I? I’m just so hopeful that this one works out, the thought of another loss is just too much to handle right now. Please send good thoughts my way ladies – and thank you so much for all your kind words already!

X

Here we go again……

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What the actual F!?!?!?

So, it looks like I’m pregnant…..again.

Anyone who’s read my blog for a while will understand why I’m not very excited – not only because this is my FIFTH pregnancy, without a baby yet, but also because I was in this exact position a month ago, and that one didn’t make it. I’m 12 days past ovulation today and was convinced that I was out this month – for a very good reason. Please excuse the grossness of this next bit, but hell, we’ve all shared enough about discharge, bleeding, suppositories and everything else, so i’m sure no one will mind!

The last three pregnancies that I’ve had (and maybe even the first one, but I wasn’t tracking symptoms then as we’d only been married for two months!!), at around 8 days past ovulation I would get massive cramps – think bad period pain, coupled with terrible stomach cramps – for about 10 minutes. This would then be followed by one episode of (sorry!) pretty bad diarrhoea. Then that was it. No other symptoms, then at around 12 days past ovulation, I would get a positive test. This happened last month, and the pains were so bad that they actually woke me up, then sure enough I got a positive test at 12 days past ovulation. After that, I realised that this was my surefire pregnancy symptom, which was good in once sense, because I knew exactly what to look for, but bad in another way, because if iI didn’t get that symptom then I probably wasn’t pregnant.

Sure enough, this month – it didn’t happen. So by about 10 days past ovulation I was 99.9% certain that I was out. This made me sad in one respect, because I wasn’t pregnant, but also happy that I had a reliable symptom to track. I tested this morning just in case, not hoping for anything at all, and that line popped up pretty much straightaway. You’ve never seen a more shocked face than mine when it appeared, honestly. My husband was the same, and we just sat there in a state of disbelief really.

Treatment-wise, I had intralipids 31 days ago (last time I was pregnant – you honestly couldn’t make this up!), so they could have helped with this round, as their effects last around 4-6 weeks, but I don’t know. I started on my steroids again this morning, and will start on progestereone this evening. Then I will have more intralipids in the next couple of days, to hopefully help make my Natural Killer Cells less aggressive towards the embryo. Then i’ll probably have an early scan at about 6 weeks – if I get that far.

Symptom-wise, i’ve been shattered the last few days, with a sore chest, but I think that’s mainly because my body is trying to get back to normal after being on steroids for over five weeks. And now I’m back on them again – my poor body won’t know what the hell is going on!!! Yesterday I was massively bloated, which I put down to the fact that I’ve been eating like a horse the last few days, but maybe that is a symptom too, I don’t know. I’ve also been tooting like a trucker (my poor husband!) but I didn’t really think much of that until today! Other than that, not much. A few twinges here and there and boobs are a tiny bit sore, but nothing major.

So that’s that really. I haven’t told anyone apart from my BFF – who has been amazing as always and tells me that the FRER line is a good one for 12dpo – and I think we’ll probably keep it that way for a while. If you’re reading this and know me in real life, please keep it to yourself!!! I decided to blog about it all this time round though, as I feel much less protective about it all now, which is sad, but definitely understandable after four miscarriages I think. Both my husband and I have said that we think we can only do one more pregnancy, so I’m hoping like mad that this one works out. Please send good vibes my way – I bloody need them!!!!!!!!

X

I’m officially a cat lady!

I mentioned a while ago that my husband and I were going to have his late mother’s cat, Daisy, come and live with us. Well, today was the day!

I have to admit that I was nervous about this, mainly because of the risks to me/baby if I fell pregnant, but everyone has reassured me that as long as I stay away from the cat litter I’ll be fine. Thanks for the advice everyone 🙂

We started by spending a small fortune in the pet shop on a new scratching post (to hopefully save our furniture!), a little bed, hair brush, cat nip and other bits and bobs. My husband then had to transport Daisy in her little car basket to our place. She usually gets upset in that, but she was calm today which was good. 

You should have seen the two of us when she first walked in – we were like overprotective parents!! Watching where she was walking, commenting on what she was doing, making sure there was nothing sharp in her way. It was really funny! As daft as it was, we both really enjoyed it. She’s 16 now and has been with my husband’s family since she was born, so he’s relieved that we’re able to keep her for her remaining years. 

I’ve always been a dog person – I’ve found cats to be pretty aloof, whereas dogs are always happy to see you – but I’m seeing a change in me already! My husband dropped Daisy off then had to leave, so I’ve been following her around, taking photos, stroking her, and have felt so much calmer since she’s been here. I’m so pleased that we agreed to have her – as I’m writing this she’s sitting between us on the sofa, all curled up asleep, and it’s lovely. My husband is happy to have her here and I’m happy to have a new little friend to love and take care of 🙂 

Here are a few photos for any cat lovers out there!

  
Here she is snuggled in her new bed. She’s a bit sleepy in this photo!

 
Fast asleep – so cute! 

Cycle-wise, I’m 10 days past ovulation and tested negative today. I’ll test again for the next couple of days and see, but 12 days past ovulation is always D Day for me. If it’s still negative then, I’m out.

We’ve also got our IVF appointment on Wednesday this week, so I’ll let you know how that goes. Fingers crossed that we’re eligible and can get started soon!

X

A bit of childish inspiration!

roald-dahl-collage

Many people reading this aren’t from the UK, but i’m hoping that you’ve heard of a brilliant author called Roald Dahl. He wrote so many wonderful children’s books which I read as a child (The Witches, The Twits, James and the Giant Peach, The BFG to name but a few). I think he’s amazing and love his books even as an adult.

I saw a lovely article yesterday which shared lots of quotes from his books which we can still learn from as adults. Some of these are just brilliant, so I though i’d share them on here in case anyone needs a couple of minutes of inspiration in amongst all this baby-making rubbish:

On self doubt
“You’ll never get anywhere if you go about what-iffing like that.”
– Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

On never giving up

“But there was one other thing that the grown-ups also knew, and it was this: that however small the chance might be of striking lucky, the chance is there. The chance had to be there.”
– Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

On the unattainable
“It is most unlikely. But – here comes the big ‘but’ – not impossible.”
– The Witches

On courage
“I will not pretend I wasn’t petrified. I was. But mixed in with the awful fear was a glorious feeling of excitement. Most of the really exciting things we do in our lives scare us to death. They wouldn’t be exciting if they didn’t.”
– Danny the Champion of the World

Here’s the original article with more quotes:

http://www.stylist.co.uk/books/the-greatest-roald-dahl-book-quotes-for-all-moments-in-adult-life

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The Child Who Was Never Born

I don’t know how I stumbled upon this, but a while ago I found an article about a young Slovakian art student who created a statue called ‘The Child Who Was Never Born’. His intention when he created it was:

‘….to draw attention to the devastation abortion can bring to the woman and to the fact that through the love and mercy of Jesus Christ, reconciliation, healing, and peace is possible.’

However, someone else who had seen the statue commented that they:

‘…also believe that this sculpture beautifully shows what a mother experiences when losing a child…whether through stillbirth, miscarriage, or any other type of loss. A mother brought to her knees in grief, weeping over her devastating loss…and her little one coming to comfort her, almost as if she’s promising all is well and they will be reunited again one day. There will be no more aching, no more longing, no more hurting, no more tears…’

I’m not here to offer any commentary on abortion or religion, but just to show you the statue as I think it’s absolutely beautiful and that anyone who has sadly experienced a loss can relate to this image – that our children are somehow watching over us and that everything will be ok.

TheChild1

Here is a link to where I read about this if anyone is interested

http://kirchmanassociates.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/the-child-who-was-never-born.html

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