This time last year, my husband and I had already lost one baby and had just found out that I was pregnant with another. Sadly, that one didn’t work out either, so we ended up losing one baby over Christmas 2012, then another on Christmas Day 2013. Pretty shit really. As you can imagine, Christmas has become a pretty sad time for us now and this year will be no different, as my husband’s mother sadly died a few weeks ago so this will be our first Christmas without her. I’m already nervous about how difficult it’s going to be and just hope that we can all find the strength to get through it.
Last Christmas my husband and I were on holiday over New Year, having lost our second baby just days before, and as we walked along a sunny beach on New Year’s Eve, we were hopeful for the year ahead. We’d lost two babies yes, but we had a great doctor now, we were about to start fertility treatment – 2014 would be our year. Looking back now it makes me sad to think that 2014 resulted only in another miscarriage and the tragic loss of my husband’s mother.
Despite this horrible year, and our three losses, I have to look ahead. I have to stay positive. The last two years have taken more out of my husband and I than I ever thought possible, but we are together, we love each other, and we want a family. We are seeing a specialist in recurrent miscarriage in December, who specialises in reproductive immunology, so we are hoping that in early 2015 we can start trying again and hopefully 2015 will be our year.
I’m often told, as i’m sure many others who have lost babies or are struggling to fall pregnant are too, how ‘brave’ or ‘strong’ I am. I’ve really come to dislike this, even though I know that people are trying to be kind. I can’t even put into words how much this journey has affected me, physically, emotionally, and even though I am petrified that I will lose more babies, I know that we can’t give up yet. A fantastic blogger who I follow summed it up perfectly in one post – ‘I need hope more than she needs me’. I hate hope – hope has built me up, knocked me down, shattered me and my husband, but what else can we do but hope? Without hope we are finished, and as tired as we are, we’re not giving up yet.
I’ve seen lots of women in the community fall pregnant recently, which is brilliant. I’ve also seen lots of women who are trying to fall pregnant or have lost babies who are really struggling. To these women – I feel your pain, I feel your struggle, i’m so so sorry for you and I hope more than anything that 2015 is our year. Nothing in my life so far has been as difficult as this journey, and I just hope that this coming year is better for all of us.