14 weeks

I can’t actually believe I’m writing ’14 weeks’ but here we are! Yesterday was my last day on the steroids, so I’m absolutely shattered today, so I’ll just update in bullet points as its been an interesting couple of weeks since I last wrote!

– I had my 12 week scan and all was great – hurray!

– I went for a scan at 13 weeks as I still had some spotting, and was told that there was a bleed underneath baby, so I may bleed again. Great. This really got me down after the 10 week bleed and I felt really upset and anxious. 

– That same evening, I went to bed and woke up at 3am having another big bleed. Perfect. I waited till 7am and went to the EPU and was given a scan, thankfully baby was ok and the bleed had shrunk quite a bit. Was told that I may keep bleeding a bit (which I knew was the drill by now)

– Went for a scan with our private specialist at 14 weeks and baby was fine, but there was still a bleed underneath him/her. It was fairly small, and the doctor said that he wasn’t worried, but I couldn’t believe that it was still there and that I still had to prepare for it to happen again. He did say that the blood was starting to thicken (nice!) which was good, but any blood isn’t nice in my book.

– Went to see the NHS consultant yesterday and she was lovely. Because of my history, and all the drugs I’m taking, she’s arranged for me to have extra scans to check what is going on. She did a quick scan yesterday and baby was fine, and she said that she couldn’t see any bleeding, but it wasn’t the most detailed of scans, but hey ho. My next scan is on Monday next week when they’ll look in more detail at everything.

So yes, it’s been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least!! I’m still spotting every day, but somehow I’m getting used to it. All of the doctors and midwives have told me that some women have this all the way through, so I guess maybe this is just how I am. As long as baby is ok, that’s all that matters. Every day and week, baby gets bigger and stronger and that’s what I’m focusing on. It’s all still extremely surreal to me, but I’m just plodding on and hoping that baby stays happy and healthy, that’s all we can do.


12 week scan

Sorry for the late post, but I’m happy to report that my NHS 12 week scan went well! 

I was 11+5 days when I went, and I have to admit that I found the whole experience quite surreal. Having had 5 losses, I’m only used to going to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) or Accident and Emergency area. These are both fairly tense and anxiety-inducing places, with either nervous new mothers anxiously awaiting their scans, or people who are really poorly waiting to be seen by a doctor. Either way, not nice. But on scan day I’d graduated to the actual Maternity area. Wowzers. I had a terrible nights sleep before the scan – I don’t know what it was, but I was the most nervous that I’d been throughout this whole pregnancy, even more than when I’d had the bleeding scares. Maybe because I was starting to believe that it might actually work, I don’t know, but I really was terrified.

I found it very odd to be sitting surrounded by obviously pregnant women, I almost felt a bit of a fraud somehow, as daft as that probably sounds. I’d never dreamed that I’d make it to my 12 week scan, yet here I was, with all the other pregnant women. Very very odd. I think I felt weird too because it was all new – I’m used to emergency scans and stress and all of that, but I’m not used to calm and normality.

We were called in and the sonographer explained what she would do, then started the scan. We saw the baby straightaway, and the heartbeat, but the baby was very still. This instantly freaked me out massively and I asked what was wrong. She said sometimes they were just still and all looked fine. I was obviously still panicking. Happily once she started moving the scanner around, baby started to wake up and was very quickly dancing and jumping around, so I started to breathe again. We saw all of its limbs and it measured two days ahead, so I was at exactly 12 weeks, and she said that all looked fine to her, which was a massive relief. She also said she couldn’t see any bleeding, as that’s still always on my mind after my 10 week scare.

She gave us two scan photos and we had to go and pay for them at a little machine in the waiting room. Again, just being a ‘normal’ couple with our scan photos really seemed odd to me. I’d watched those couples for years when I was in the EPU – wandering in and out, not panicking about it being bad news, just expecting to go in and have a perfect scan then go home – and now there we were. It was so surreal.

I then had to go and have blood tests for any chromosomal abnormalities with the baby. The nurse said that it only takes a day or two, so if I hadn’t heard anything by Monday then I was very low risk. Even though the scan had gone well, I was worried about these tests, so I still couldn’t really relax.

My little brother and his girlfriend surprised me and came to see us that day (they live in the north of England, where I’m from originally) and they actually turned up at the hospital, which was amazing! Seeing familiar faces after a morning like that was brilliant and really helped to put me at ease. 

The next day I called the hospital to see if my blood results were in and luckily they were and all came back very low risk! Hurray!!! This felt like the last step before I could finally relax a little and start to accept and believe that this is all actually happening. I can’t tell you how relieved I was/am. 

So here I am now, just plodding on and trying to tell myself that this is actually happening. I’m still spotting/bleeding a little every day, almost two weeks after my big bleed, but it’s very dark, old blood, and the midwife and doctor have told me that this is fine, I only need to worry if it is new blood. It has quite a way to travel to get out, so it might take a while before it is all done. I hate mornings at the moment, as that’s when the worst of it seems to come, but I just have to tell myself that it’s normal and just working its way out. But seeing blood – even when you know it’s old – is never a nice thing when you’re pregnant. 

As part of my reproductive immunology treatment I’m on steroids, but as I’m 12 weeks I’m now starting to wean off these. I’m only dropping down 5mg every four days, but the effects so far are exhausting!! I’m usually fairly tired during the day, which id just put down to being pregnant, but yesterday I almost fell asleep three times during the day, as well as having a bad headache for most of the afternoon. Meh. But again I’ve been told that this is normal, so I’m just trying to take it easy and plod on through it. I’m still taking my hydroxychloroquine, which I’m pleased about, so we’ll see how I get on.

I’m also speaking to the doctor this week as I’m having some stretchy pains/discomfort around my right hip/groin. I’m not sure if this is just normal stretching or anything else, so I thought it best to check. 

I’m seeing our specialist again next Thursday, when I should hopefully be 14 weeks, so I’m just hoping for no more dramas until then. It’s such a strange feeling living each day and hoping for no problems, I’m not feeling like I can really enjoy being pregnant, but I’m doing my best. My husband and I are telling friends now, but we definitely won’t be announcing anything on Facebook or other social media. I just can’t ever imagine feeling confident enough to do that, and I also know how much it hurts to see those announcements when you’re trying, so they’re definitely off the cards. I know that we’re both still scared, but we also want to try and enjoy what we have for now and try and enjoy this experience, so we just though ‘f**k it’, and are trying to relax and pretend that we’re like everyone else!

Thank you for everyone’s kind wishes and thoughts, I really appreciate it!