Results are in – and it’s good news!

Yesterday I wrote about how nervous I was for our chromosome results to come back in case they showed any problems Рthe doc got in touch today and my husband and I are both fine! No chromosome problems at all! Wahoooooo!!!!

I know that we still have a long way to go, but this feels like a massive weight off our shoulders that there are no issues in that area – it’s one more thing checked off the list which has to be a good thing! Next step is the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy which will be in the next 1-2 months. Fingers crossed that all goes ok there too.

When I text my husband to tell him the good news (he was at work, so I couldn’t call), he just said ‘I’m so bloody happy and relieved that I could cry!’. This pretty much summed up how both of us felt I think, as this was a biggie for us. We haven’t had much to celebrate on our journey so far, but this is a bloody good day ūüôā

The calm before the storm‚Ķ.

Now that we’ve had three miscarriages, my husband and I have had blood taken so that the docs can test for any chromosome issues. From what i’ve read, this is one of the most common reasons for miscarriage.¬†We had the samples taken almost six weeks ago now, so I expect that the results will be back in the next week or two, and as this time comes closer, I have a weird feeling coming over me.

When we lost the third baby in July, I knew that we would now start to get lots of help from the doctors, which was really comforting at the time. They’d no longer tell us that it’s just ‘one of those things’ and that the next one would probably be fine – they would investigate and try to see if there was a problem which they could help with. So when they took the blood samples, I felt like something was being done – that we were moving forwards. Since then, i’ve allowed myself to think that maybe things will be ok – that we might have our baby without any more losses or complications. I’ve had a lovely six weeks of not trying, not worrying, and just hoping that next time will be our time. But now that the results are almost here I can’t help wondering, what if it’s bad news?

I’d describe myself as more of a realist than an optimist – especially given what we’ve been through so far – so although i’m trying to be positive, I can’t help thinking that something must be wrong for us to have lost three babies in a row. And i’m trying to prepare myself for what will happen if they tell us that something is wrong and that we may never be able to have a baby together. I have no idea how the hell you prepare yourself for that, but that nagging feeling in the back of my mind pops up every now and again and worries me, however much I try and be positive.

I’m really hoping that in a couple of weeks i’ll be here writing that there were no issues and i’ll be relieved and feeling hopeful for the future, but right now that feels a million years¬†away. I’m sure it’s just a defence mechanism – my brain won’t let me get excited about having a baby in case it doesn’t happen.

It make me sad but also angry how miscarriage doesn’t just take away a baby, but it takes away the innocence and joy of future pregnancies too. I see so many friends who fall pregnant and are able to enjoy all the milestones without that fear which women who have miscarried have. They are lucky not just to have¬†their baby, but to have¬†their naivety too – that they haven’t had to experience this world of waiting, hoping, losing, treatments, pain, sadness, loss as we have.

So i’ll have to see what the blood tests say, then there’s the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy after that too. I’ve got everything crossed that they both come back fine, let’s hope for some good news this time eh?

‘At least you can get pregnant’‚Ķ.

This is a pretty long post, but one that anyone trying for a baby will probably relate to. It’s all the phrases which people say to try and make you feel better about your lack of a baby.

I do appreciate that it’s bloody difficult to know what to say to someone who is trying, especially if you’ve never experienced it yourself, and I do appreciate people trying to help, I really do. I’m also sure that before I was trying I said all of these things to people who were trying too, but i’m going to to throw them out there anyway…

My personal favourite has to be – ‘Just relax and it’ll happen’.¬†

I know from personal experience that one of my pregnancies happened whilst I was more relaxed, as I was waiting to start taking Clomid, but telling someone to relax when they’re trying to get pregnant is like trying to tell someone not to shout whilst you slap¬†them round the face with a wet fish. It just doesn’t happen.¬†

‘At least you can get pregnant’

This is one which anyone who’s sadly experienced a miscarriage can¬†relate to. There’s a lot of truth in this comment, so I appreciate the sentiment, but knowing that you can fall pregnant doesn’t help when you have nothing to show for it. Falling pregnant and miscarrying three times hasn’t made me feel better about being able to fall pregnant, it’s just made me bloody upset and scared that i’ll never be able to carry a baby to term.¬†

‘My friend/sister/wife/cat tried for years and then had twelve babies in a row‚Ķ’

This is an exaggeration, but basically when people try and be helpful by telling you someone else’s story of their triumph over adversity. Again, it’s wonderful that there are good news stories out there, and the media tell us these all the time, but when you’re in the depths of trying for a baby, it just feels like a kick in the teeth that someone else was lucky and you weren’t. It’s not that I¬†don’t want other people to be happy, i’d love for everyone who wants a baby to have one, but it just brings it home once again that they have got their baby and I haven’t.

‘You can always adopt’

This is a tricky one, as I really don’t know how I feel about adopting yet. I’ve spent a long time thinking far ahead in the future about all of the baby stuff, but until I know what’s happening with all of our tests and ops I haven’t properly thought about adoption. I think it’s a wonderful thing to do, but it’s not for everyone, and the idea that you can just adopt if you can’t have your own baby doesn’t always work for everybody.¬†

‘You’re welcome to have my kids!!’ (usually said when their children are¬†scribbling¬†on the walls/screaming/eating insects in the garden/not sleeping etc…)

Strangely, I find this one probably more upsetting than the others. I’ve spent enough time around children to know that even the most patient and loving of parents can have their patience tested by their kids sometimes, but when you’re trying for a baby you don’t imagine the crying, the shouting and the sleep deprivation – you just want what that parent already has – a child of their own. And the thought that even jokingly they’d give up their baby, always gets me¬†– that¬†just for a split second that parent has forgotten how amazingly incredibly lucky they are¬†to have a healthy, happy child of their own.¬†

‘You’re only 33 – you have plenty of time’

Again, this is a funny one. I know that nowadays women can have healthy babies well into their late thirties and forties, but that still doesn’t stop me wanting to have my baby sooner rather than later. Society has shown¬†women that we can have children later now if we choose, which is great, but nature hasn’t quite caught up yet. I know that once I hit 35 my chances of things not working are much higher, so even though I have a bit more time, that biological clock shouts at me on a pretty regular basis.

Like I said, I really do appreciate people trying to help, but just wanted to throw a few of these out there. And if you’re reading this and know someone who’s trying for a baby, maybe just give them a cup of tea and a hug instead‚Ķ.

So what now? Three is definitely not the magic number‚Ķ.

When we lost the first baby, we told ourselves that it was just one of those things, that it happens to most women, and that we’d be fine. When we lost the second one, we told ourselves the same thing – I knew plenty of friends who’d lost one or two babies and gone on to have a ¬†baby after that. The next one would be fine.

When we lost the third one, a horrible, cold feeling hit me. ¬†A sudden¬†realisation that maybe things wouldn’t be ok after all – that there might be something really wrong and that we might never have a baby.¬†This feeling is still there in the back of my mind every¬†day and probably will be until we get some answers from the docs.¬†I read that only about 1 in 100 women experience three or more miscarriages in a row. I’m no mathematician, but these are pretty crappy odds however you look at it.

I have nothing but praise for the care which i’ve¬†received from the medical staff at our local hospital. They’ve been absolutely brilliant and have helped to make this difficult time a lot less stressful. So the next step now is for both my ¬†husband and I to have our chromosomes tested to see if there is anything wrong there and i’m also having a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy, plus ovarian drilling for my PCOS.¬†I’ve already been tested for lupus anticoagulants and this came back fine, so that’s good news.

We should have our chromosome tests back in the next 4-6 weeks. This is the one i’m most nervous about. I’ve done a bit of reading into it and if there are problems with this it can be bloody difficult, and expensive, to try and fix it. One thing which this whole experience has taught me is that you don’t have much control over what happens, so i’m going to try and think positive until we get the results, then deal with whatever happens from there. Same with the operation really, i’ll just see what they find (hopefully nothing!) and go from there. Hopefully the op will be sometime in October, so i’ll keep you posted.

So that’s where we are today – just hanging on until we get some answers. Anyone trying for a baby will know that most of your life is spent waiting – waiting to ovulate, waiting to get your period, waiting for test results, so here we are again! We’ve decided not to try at all until we have these results back, so we’re making the most of the time off before it all starts again. ¬†In that time i’ll write about some of the things that this baby making madness has shown¬†me – some good, some bad and some bloody ridiculous. Hope you enjoy reading.

X

The story so far. 3-0 to Mother Nature

This is my first post and will probably be the longest one by far Рthe last two stressful, knackering and fruitless years of trying to make a baby.

My husband and I got married in September 2012 and started trying for a baby straightway. We were lucky and I fell pregnant in December 2012 but sadly lost the baby after only a couple of weeks. The shock of this hit me like a bloody train, even though i’d only known I was pregnant for a couple of weeks. The minute I saw that ‘Pregnant 1-2’ on the test my head filled with thoughts of what the baby would look like, when it would be born, what we would call it‚Ķetc etc. Then it was gone –¬†that future, that baby, that life. But we persevered.

We carried on trying and by summer 2013 still no pregnancy. I went to the docs for tests and I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and referred to a specialist. This filled us with some hope – maybe now we knew that something wasn’t quite right, the docs could help us. I saw the specialist and was given Clomid – a drug to make me ovulate – but the month before I was due to start it I fell pregnant again. This was it we thought! It had happened naturally when we’d been relaxed, and most women have one miscarriage, this one will be fine. But it wasn’t.

I had a scan at 7 weeks which showed no heartbeat, then a scan at 9 weeks where there was a heartbeat, then a scan at 10 weeks where there was a heartbeat but no growth. So I had to wait to miscarry, which happened at around 12 weeks on Christmas Day (yep, merry bloody Christmas to us) Рalmost a year to the day since the last one. It was painful, heartbreaking and deflating.

It was a new year we thought – we had the Clomid and a great specialist to help us – so we were feeling positive. Most women have a couple of miscarriages, it’s just one of those things. Next time will be fine. I started taking the Clomid and fell pregnant on the third month. This HAD to be it, third time lucky and all that. But my hormone levels didn’t rise as they should right from the start, so once again it was time for weekly scans, blood tests and generally being prodded and poked inside and out. After a suspected ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks, then seeing a heartbeat at 9 weeks, at a¬†10 week scan we were told that there was nothing – no heartbeat, no sac, nothing. So once again I waited to miscarry and it came, wouldn’t you know it, on my birthday.¬†

So that’s where we are now. Three tries and no baby. I’ll talk more in other posts about the details of what’s happened and where we go from here, but that’s the story so far.