The plan was that I’d have my first scan tomorrow at my NHS appointment, when I’d be 6 weeks and 4 days. I’ve been plodding along each day, patiently getting through the hours just hoping that I’d make it to the scan. Such is the life of anyone who’s had recurrent miscarriages.
On Sunday morning I had a little spot of light brown when I went to the loo. It looked like the very start of a period. It worried me, but I thought I’d see how the day went. It cleared up, but then just before bed I had a much darker wipe, not bright red period blood, but definitely not what you want to see when you’re pregnant. I wiped one more time – same again.
I showed my husband and we thought that it was all over. Id never had any bleeding in other pregnancies, only the start of a miscarriage which then continued on till all was gone. We hugged, cried and genuinely couldn’t believe that it was all over after such a strong start. I said I’d call the early pregnancy unit the next morning and see if they’d scan me to see what was going on.
God bless the NHS, I called at 8.30am and was booked in for a scan at 1.50pm. You really can’t get better than that. I went to the loo and no blood. Even when I’m on my period it takes a while for my body to warm up on a morning, so I figured it would come once I was up and about. Late morning, nothing. Early afternoon, nothing. A little spark of hope lit up in me – maybe things were ok, maybe it was just a one off. I didn’t dare say this to my husband, but I dared to have a little bit of hope.
We got to the hospital and into the scan room. The sonographer was absolutely lovely, I’d seen her before with previous losses but she clearly didn’t remember, so I told her what had happened and that we weren’t expecting good news. I think it’s kinder to tell a sonographer this – just so they know that you won’t absolutely lose it if it’s bad news. She turned the screen away and started looking.
I felt pretty calm as she was looking – just waiting for the inevitable sad face and empty screen. But she scanned a bit more and said that everything was looking exactly as it should for 6 weeks.
She asked if we wanted to look. I figured it must be ok if she’s saying this – no sonographer would want you to see a scan of your failed pregnancy – so I said yes. She turned the screen and there it was – gestational sac, yolk sac, teeny pole and a good strong heartbeat. I honestly couldn’t (and still can’t) believe what I was seeing.
I instantly panicked about the size, as my two non-chemical losses had heartbeats, but they were waaaaay too small for their age. She said it was really too small to measure, but that she knew that it was exactly where it should be at this stage. Her exact words were ‘textbook’. F**k me, I’ve never had a pregnancy of mine described as ‘textbook’ in. My. Life.
She checked my ovaries etc and couldn’t see any bleeding anywhere, all looked fine. She showed us the sac a few more times just so we could see the heartbeat. I was tempted to video it but didn’t dare in case I tempted fate. Moments like that will always stay in your mind whatever happens anyway. I had thought that there may be two in there, but definitely just one, which is absolutely fine with me.
She kindly offered to scan me again at 9 weeks, so I have some reassurance before the 12 week scan. We were really grateful for that, she was so lovely. The thought of even getting to 7 weeks is a bloody lifetime away right now, but hey, I’ll take as many scans as I can get!
We left the scan feeling a bit dazed to be honest. My mind was racing – was it too small? Was she just being kind and didn’t want to scare me? Should I have got proper measurements? She did try and measure it, but said that at this stage it’s just too tiny to get anything accurate. Even though she said all looked great, my mind just could not accept the good news. My husband seemed much happier – probably because he sensibly accepts the opinion of someone who does this day in day out – not some over-googled nutter like me!!! We got an ice cream to celebrate and had a nice country walk and I started to relax a little.
I had a little more dark discharge just before bed, but I half expected that after the internal scan. Given that I’ve practically barricaded up my lady bits since I found out I was pregnant (my poor husband!) it really has been a no-go area, so I’m not surprised that it got a bit of a shock from the delightful scan wand! But today things seem to have cleared up, so I’m really hoping that’s the end of it. My midwife had said that I can double up on my progesterone, so I’ll give that a try. We all know that that won’t stop it if something isn’t working, but it certainly can’t hurt to try it.
I’m seeing the NHS doc tomorrow, but I’m not going to ask for a scan. I need time to let things try and develop and don’t want to keep prodding away at it! My next scan is on Wed 7th Oct, when I’d be 7.5 weeks. As you’d expect, I’m absolutely petrified about this one. It’s with my private miscarriage specialist, who’s brilliant but very direct and to the point, so I can’t imagine it being nice if he has to deliver bad news.
I looked back on both of my non-chemical pregnancies, and at 6 weeks I’d never seen a heartbeat on either of them. One of them I didn’t see anything at all until 8 weeks and another one there was no heartbeat until 8 weeks, but the baby was way too small. I know this, but I still can’t accept that things look good right now. I honestly just can’t imagine that this little baby inside of me will keep growing and I’ll have good news next week. I just cant imagine it. I’m sure it’s normal, but I’m just constantly expecting bad news. I still don’t really have many symptoms – slightly sore boobs, bit tired, bit hungry, that’s it. I’m wishing for an onslaught of symptoms, just so I know that something is happening, but I think the steroids and the hydroxychloroquine seem to be keeping things at bay. Ah well.
It’s our 3 year wedding anniversary tomorrow, so we’re going out for dinner to celebrate. We’re taking each day at a time and enjoying any happy milestones that we have. Whatever happens, it’s amazing that my husband got to see the heartbeat yesterday. He didn’t see it in my previous pregnancies, as I had to attend some scans without him, so I’m so pleased that he’s at least got to see that. I’ve managed the three week wait to get to my first scan, so waiting a week is perfectly doable now. I’m just praying that there’s no more bleeding, I really am.
I’ll let you know how I get on – please keep your fingers crossed for me!