Now that my husband and I have made some decisions about where we go next on his journey, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The weeks just after our fifth miscarriage were painful, foggy and confusing – trying to deal with the physical and emotional upset of losing two babies in two months, coupled with trying to face the reality and next steps of maybe never being able to have our own baby. Safe to say, it was a crappy time all round.
Now that we’re going with trying the hydroxychloroquine, then using a surrogate if that doesn’t work, we’ve definitely relaxed and are starting to enjoy our time off (we’re actively not trying until i’ve started the new drug) and the summer! The weather in the UK has picked up beautifully and we’re even expecting a heatwave this week – wahoo!
Now that i’m feeling a bit more relaxed, I’ve found myself in quite a reflective mood about everything that’s happened and will happen in the future. There’s one word which I think is the bane of my life, and maybe other women who are going through this too. That word is ‘should’.
Just think about how many times you use that word when thinking about all of this:
– I’ve been married for three years, I should be pregnant by now
– X has only been married for two months, we should have been pregnant before them
– I’m having fertility treatment, I should fall pregnant in the next couple of months/cycle
You see where i’m going with this….
Don’t get me wrong – i’ve thought ALL of these things in the past three years, and still do a lot of the time, but the reality is just something different. I think I’m starting to realise that maybe it’s just better to accept things for how they are, rather than how I think they should be. ‘Should’ makes you compare your situation to other people/events, and that seems to be where the upset lies, especially if you’re the one who’s worse off. The whole celebrity bump-watch obsession definitely makes this worse too! I’m realising that I can’t control things as much as I would like/thought I could, so i’m learning to just go with the flow a bit more. The reality is that most women have sex, fall pregnant and have a baby. Simple. But that’s not my reality sadly. So i’ll try my best to do what I can, hope for the best, and see what happens.
We’re going on holiday on Sunday and i’m so bloody excited about it! A week of sun, chilling out, wine, good friends – it’s going to be brilliant! I can honestly say that its been a while since I’ve looked forward to something so much, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m spending my time thinking about which bikinis to take, having my nails done, choosing outfits and I’m LOVING it! For a short time I don’t have to check my knickers for cervical mucus (cos everyone loves doing that, don’t we ladies?!), test my pee for or worry about what day of the cycle I’m on – can I get a ‘Hell yeah’!!!! I actually get to feel like a normal woman again for a while!!
I love to read whilst I’m on holiday. There’s something about having the luxury to just spend hours wrapped up in a good book which is just brilliant. I’ve bought a book called ‘The C Word’ to read when we go away, and I know that it’s going to be emotional. It’s the true story of a 28 year old woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer. She wrote a blog all about it, and sadly didn’t win the battle. Her story was televised in the UK recently and I didn’t get to watch it, but knew that I wanted to read the book. I read a few pages and was already an emotional wreck, so I’m sure the rest of the book will be just as tough to read. She was just a normal woman, married, trying for a baby (she sadly had two miscarriages as well) and enjoying her life when she was diagnosed. Just shows you that you can’t take anything for granted and that you have to enjoy what you have whilst you have it. Here’s the blog if anyone is interested in reading more about it:
Not much else to report really, just plodding on, enjoying the sun and looking forward to holidays! Please send good vibes to My BFF at New Chances New Hope and The Pregnant Physicist who both have their 6 week scans tomorrow. I’m hoping for good news for both of them!