This might sound like a really odd post, but I’ve found that music has helped me tremendously throughout the last two years and the three miscarriages which we’ve had. There are days when i’ve felt dreadful and just wanted to listen to songs which are sad and I can have a good cry along to, and there are days when i’ve felt positive and wanted to listen to songs which lift me up and make me feel inspired, stronger and better about whatever lies ahead. I’ve found that putting on my headphones, going for a long walk and getting some fresh air has probably made me feel better than just about anything else – it really clears my mind and helps to give me perspective when things are tough.
Here are ten tracks which i’ve played many times over the last couple of years. I’ve written a bit about each song and why I like it. I’ve added videos too, but I much prefer just listening to the song, but that’s just me. Some are happy, some are sad, some are cheesy, some don’t seem to have any connection at all to my losses, but they’ve all been helpful to me in some way.
Amy MacDonald – What Happiness Means To Me
I first heard this song on a TV show just as i’d had my first miscarriage and instantly I loved it. It’s so melancholy and simple, but if you listen right to the end there’s a lovely uplifting instrumental section which always makes me smile. A really simple but touching track.
Calvin Harris – Sweet Nothing ft. Florence Welch
I love dance music, always have, and as soon as I heard this song I knew it would stick with me forever. It was released just as I had my first miscarriage and the first time I heard it I was standing in my bedroom, alone, with my head spinning, distraught, angry, wondering what the hell had just happened and how I was going to get through it. This song talks about putting your faith in something unknown, which is what I had to do then and still have to do now. Love this one.
Mumford and Sons – I Will Wait
This one doesn’t need much explanation – i’ve been waiting for my baby for over two years and will keep waiting.
Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie – This Is What It Feels Like
Another dance track here – I love listening to this one at the gym, as it is really uplifting. It talks about not knowing how you’ve survived something and just has a really upbeat feeling which always makes me smile.
Wye Oak – Civilian
This one is quite dark. I don’t know many of the words to this track, but I find the beat and the singer’s voice so haunting. Towards the end it gets quite noisy and angry and if i’m having a down day I play it loud and it always matches my mood and makes me feel a bit better. A strange song, but good in an unusual way.
P!nk – Who Knew
I expect that this song was written about breaking up with a partner, but it talks about not expecting someone to leave you which is pretty much how I feel when I think about the times that i’ve fallen pregnant but it hasn’t lasted. The last verse especially always gets me – there’s so much passion and anger in her voice and I always just want to shout along with her. A great track if you’re alone in the house and want to sing along and get some emotion out.
The Letter – from Billy Elliott The Musical
This is a pretty random one. In the play, Billy lost his mother at a very young age and this song is about a letter which she wrote for him to open when he was 18 and he reads it aloud to his teacher. Even though it is written from a mother to her son, it talks about missing a child growing up, missing all the things which that child would do and being proud of the child even if you can’t be there to see it. Having lost three babies, I can relate to this. A definite tear jerker.
Idina Menzel – Let It Go
I know, I know, it’s a super-cheesy Disney song, but it’s still one of my favourites. I think as women we can feel as though we have to be perfect – perfect body, perfect job, perfect home, perfect marriage etc – and losing my babies has made me feel less than perfect for a long time. I love this song as it reminds me that you can’t change what’s happened, you can just find peace with who you are and put down that ‘perfect’ persona. Probably a strange interpretation of a Disney song, but that’s how I see it!
James Arthur – Impossible
This is a track full of raw emotion and I love it. Again, it’s written about a partner, but it talks about losing someone that you love and the simplicity and passion of his voice always gets me – especially the last verse. Another great track for singing along to.
Anastacia – Paid My Dues
This is the ultimate uplifting song to give you an extra spring in your step. It talks about surviving bad times and standing on your own two feet. It’s not the sort of song which i’d normally listen to, but it reminds me of the shitty times I’ve had in the last couple of years and how i’ve got through them and am still trying. A bit cheesy, but always makes me smile.
If anyone else has any songs which they’ve enjoyed listening to along their journey, please feel free to share them!