Top 10 songs from my journey so far

This might sound like a really odd post, but I’ve found that music has helped me tremendously throughout the last two years and the three miscarriages which we’ve had. There are days when i’ve felt dreadful and just wanted to listen to songs which are sad and I can have a good cry along to, and there are days when i’ve felt positive and wanted to listen to songs which lift me up and make me feel inspired, stronger and better about whatever lies ahead. I’ve found that putting on my headphones, going for a long walk and getting some fresh air has probably made me feel better than just about anything else – it really clears my mind and helps to give me perspective when things are tough.

Here are ten tracks which i’ve played many times over the last couple of years. I’ve written a bit about each song and why I like it. I’ve added videos too, but I much prefer just listening to the song, but that’s just me. Some are happy, some are sad, some are cheesy, some don’t seem to have any connection at all to my losses, but they’ve all been helpful to me in some way.

Amy MacDonald – What Happiness Means To Me

I first heard this song on a TV show just as i’d had my first miscarriage and instantly I loved it. It’s so melancholy and simple, but if you listen right to the end there’s a lovely uplifting instrumental section which always makes me smile. A really simple but touching track.

Calvin Harris – Sweet Nothing ft. Florence Welch

I love dance music, always have, and as soon as I heard this song I knew it would stick with me forever. It was released just as I had my first miscarriage and the first time I heard it I was standing in my bedroom, alone, with my head spinning, distraught, angry, wondering what the hell had just happened and how I was going to get through it. This song talks about putting your faith in something unknown, which is what I had to do then and still have to do now. Love this one.

Mumford and Sons – I Will Wait

This one doesn’t need much explanation – i’ve been waiting for my baby for over two years and will keep waiting.

Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie – This Is What It Feels Like

Another dance track here – I love listening to this one at the gym, as it is really uplifting. It talks about not knowing how you’ve survived something and just has a really upbeat feeling which always makes me smile.

Wye Oak – Civilian

This one is quite dark. I don’t know many of the words to this track, but I find the beat and the singer’s voice so haunting. Towards the end it gets quite noisy and angry and if i’m having a down day I play it loud and it always matches my mood and makes me feel a bit better. A strange song, but good in an unusual way.

P!nk – Who Knew

I expect that this song was written about breaking up with a partner, but it talks about not expecting someone to leave you which is pretty much how I feel when I think about the times that i’ve fallen pregnant but it hasn’t lasted. The last verse especially always gets me – there’s so much passion and anger in her voice and I always just want to shout along with her. A great track if you’re alone in the house and want to sing along and get some emotion out.

The Letter – from Billy Elliott The Musical

This is a pretty random one. In the play, Billy lost his mother at a very young age and this song is about a letter which she wrote for him to open when he was 18 and he reads it aloud to his teacher. Even though it is written from a mother to her son, it talks about missing a child growing up, missing all the things which that child would do and being proud of the child even if you can’t be there to see it. Having lost three babies, I can relate to this. A definite tear jerker.

Idina Menzel – Let It Go

I know, I know, it’s a super-cheesy Disney song, but it’s still one of my favourites. I think as women we can feel as though we have to be perfect – perfect body, perfect job, perfect home, perfect marriage etc – and losing my babies has made me feel less than perfect for a long time. I love this song as it reminds me that you can’t change what’s happened, you can just find peace with who you are and put down that ‘perfect’ persona. Probably a strange interpretation of a Disney song, but that’s how I see it!

James Arthur – Impossible

This is a track full of raw emotion and I love it. Again, it’s written about a partner, but it talks about losing someone that you love and the simplicity and passion of his voice always gets me – especially the last verse. Another great track for singing along to.

Anastacia – Paid My Dues

This is the ultimate uplifting song to give you an extra spring in your step. It talks about surviving bad times and standing on your own two feet. It’s not the sort of song which i’d normally listen to, but it reminds me of the shitty times I’ve had in the last couple of years and how i’ve got through them and am still trying. A bit cheesy, but always makes me smile.

If anyone else has any songs which they’ve enjoyed listening to along their journey, please feel free to share them!

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Decision made – let’s do this

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Today my husband and I made a decision – that we are now ready to stop NHS treatment and move fully into private care.

We’ve done everything ‘the right way’ – tried naturally for a year, had three miscarriages before we had our tests done, and now we’re still in the same boat, with no baby. We’ve been on lovely holidays, enjoyed expensive dinners and generally tried to take our minds off the situation by enjoying our lives before babies, but after a chat today we’ve decided that we want things to move faster and not be held back by waiting lists, long referrals and limited specialists in the field of recurrent miscarriage.

I cant praise the NHS staff enough for their care so far, they have all been lovely and tried their best to help, but losing my husband’s mum has made us both feel that enough is enough. We’d rather use the funds which we have to fully investigate any causes of my miscarriages and pay for any treatment needed so we have a better chance of getting the baby which we want so badly.

With this in mind, I booked an appointment in early December with the specialist – this was the earliest appointment which I could get. We’ve decided that we’re not going to try until then, as we’d rather speak to him and run any tests first, in case we fall pregnant and lose another baby.

My husband and I are both feeling quite angry at the moment – angry about losing his mother so soon and so young and angry at the three miscarriages which we’ve had, the three babies which we’ve lost. But we both know that the only way to get through this is to plough our energy and finances into finding out if anything is wrong and treating it if possible, so this is what we’ve decided to do. I definitely feel better for doing this, as I feel like we have a chance at understanding what is wrong and hopefully being able to treat it.

Please keep your fingers crossed that this is the help which we need, I think we deserve some good luck soon.

X

A bloody tough week

Sadly, I can honestly say that this last week has been one of the most difficult so far.

I don’t write much on here about my life outside of trying for a baby, but this week we had some devastating news. My husband’s mum was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and his week she lost her brave battle. She was a remarkable woman – intelligent, serene, beautiful and extremely giving – and her loss has been truly devastating.

Going through three miscarriages has changed the relationship which I have with my body. Before trying for children i’d always been relatively healthy, fit and slim and was pretty happy with how my body worked. But losing the babies took away my trust in my body – it no longer did what it was supposed to do, what it was made to do, what should have been the most natural thing in the world. Slowly, I started to distrust my it, became angry with it and felt a failure because it couldn’t do the one thing which a woman’s body was made to do. This was such an alien feeling to me and I’ve struggled with it quite a bit over the last couple of years.

However, seeing my mother in law become ill and sadly lose her battle has completely changed this. I’ve spent so long being angry at my body for not being able to do one thing that I’ve stopped being grateful for all the wonderful things which it can do. Just being able to breathe and walk and live my life without pain is such a blessing, and I know now that i’ll no longer take this for granted. I know that i’ll have days when its bloody difficult to remember this, but I will never take my health for granted again. My body allows me to do so much and I will treat it with love, respect and gratitude, rather than beat myself up and be angry over a past which I cannot change.

I spoke to my doctor this week and sadly we wont be eligible for IVF on the NHS until June next year. Yep, you read that right – JUNE!! Even though we have been trying for over two years to have a baby, because I have got pregnant (even though I miscarried) we have to wait until a year after we lost the last baby before we can be referred. This was a massive blow to us, as our doc had always said that we’d be eligible for IVF, but it seems as though he didn’t have the right information. Brilliant.

So here’s our plan now:

– Have a full thrombophilia screening done, to check for any blood clotting problems, as we have only had the basic tests done previously.

– Arrange for a consultation at a private recurrent miscarriage clinic – just to chat to an expert and see if there are any avenues/tests which we haven’t yet explored. This might lead to more tests, or they might be confident that we’ve done all we can, but i’d like to see what an expert thinks. Out doctor is great, but his area is getting women pregnant – I need someone who can help me to stay pregnant!

– Once my period starts again, just try naturally and hope for the best! I’ve had ovarian drilling done on both ovaries, so hopefully this will help regulate my cycles and help me ovulate normally again. so I figure i’ve got a good a chance as anyone else to fall pregnant naturally. I’ve fallen pregnant naturally twice before, so hopefully it can happen again. I keep forgetting that I’ve actually had treatment for my pcos, so even though it doesn’t seem like a massive deal, it should make me as ‘normal’ as other women, so I have a good chance of conceiving naturally again.

– Keep having reflexology, as I love it and it really relaxes me, and start back at the gym once I’m fully healed, as this always helps me to relax and sleep and feel better.

So that’s where we are now. I’m recovering well from the op and started to feel better, so its just a case of starting again really. We were both hoping that we could have IVF on the NHS quite soon, but I guess that’s not the case. It’s really disheartening to just be back to the beginning again after three losses, and with no magic solution/treatment to try, just trying naturally and hoping that it works.

I think the thing which i’m really struggling with is the reality that there might be absolutely nothing wrong and that the three losses which we’ve had have just been ‘bad luck’. I know that about a third of all cases of recurrent pregnancy loss have no explanation, and although this means that there is a good chance of having  baby next time, I know that it would be easier to know what is wrong and then try and treat it. I guess living in this information-mad world which we do, I can’t quite accept that this might be normal, and I’m petrified that if I fall pregnant again we might lose it, which is why I’m checking as much as I can before we try again, just in case. So far, all tests have come back fine, but i’ll see if there’s anything else which I can check for so I know I’ve done all that I can. The rest is up to Mother Nature – the cruellest mistress of them all.

If anyone has any ideas/tests/ things which I should check for/talk to the recurrent miscarriage specialist about, please let me know! Here we go again…..

X

Laparoscopy done, recovery begins…

Today I had my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. I was pretty nervous when I went in, but it all went fairly smoothly I think which is good.

The doc came to see me after and told me the following:

– Everything looked totally normal and healthy, which was great!

– He did ovarian drilling on both of my ovaries, as they were both polycystic. This should hopefully help to bring down my hormone levels (goodbye hairy chin!!!), give me more regular cycles and help me to actually ovulate on time. I’m really hoping that this all happens!!

– There was a polyp, which wasn’t in a risky place, but they removed it anyway just in case

So now I’m home, a bit sore, tired, but generally ok.

I’m going to speak to the doctor on Monday regarding next steps, as I’m now a bit confused as to what happens next. He said at my last appointment that depending on what they found today, I would either:

A – be put forward straightaway for IVF

B – be referred to the RMU (recurrent miscarriage unit)

I’m not sure which of those will be recommended now, so I’ll see what he says on Monday. Either way, he’s agreed that I can have a full thrombophilia screening done, as I’ve pushed for that just in case, so that’s good. I’m also going to ask him about Natural Killer Cells, as I’ve read a bit about that and would like to know his opinion.

I know that I should be delighted that the op has gone well and nothing has been found, but I’m now worried that the three losses were caused by something else, something which they haven’t/won’t find. I don’t know why, but I’m finding it really difficult to accept that maybe the three losses were just bad luck, that maybe there wasn’t a reason for them after all. This makes me nervous for the future, in case it happens again the next time I fall pregnant, but I think the worry of losing another baby will always be there now, it’s just something that I will have to learn to deal with.

I’ll let you know what the doc says on Monday – will be good to get the next part of the journey underway!

X

Remembering our babies xxx

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Just had to share this today, as many of us think about the babies we’ve lost. My heart goes out to everyone on this bloody stressful, tiring and emotional journey, let’s hope we all get our babies one day xxx

I’m having my operation on Friday, so I’ve got everything crossed that it goes well and gives us some answers and hope for the future. I’ll let you know how it goes. Fourth time lucky maybe? I hope so.

X

Help please ladies – question about recurrent miscarriage testing

It’s a week today until I have my hysteroscopy and laparoscopy and i’m really keen to get it over and done with and see if anything comes about from it. I know that I have a polyp and a fibroid (but in a location where it won’t affect anything) from previous scans, as well as PCOS which they will be treating with ovarian drilling during the op, but it will be interesting to see if there’s anything else. Keep your fingers crossed that all goes ok please!

My doc has been really great throughout everything and he’s said that depending on what the op shows, we may get referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit, or we may get put straight forward for IVF. I was hoping that anyone reading this who has sadly experienced recurrent miscarriage could help me out here please…

So far we’ve had the following tests and all have come back fine/negative:

Chromosome testing

Lupus anticoagulant

Thyroid function

Anti beta 2 glycoprotein

Antiphospholipid Syndrome

Does anyone know any other tests which could be carried out for recurrent miscarriage? I’ve read about Natural Killer Cells which can be treated with steroids, does anyone have any experience of this? Is there anything else which I should be looking at/asking for? All of our three losses were before 10 weeks.

Right now my focus is on having the op, then seeing where we go from that. I’d love to be put straight forward for IVF if all is ok with the op, but i’m worried that i’ll fall pregnant with IVF but then may just lose it again if there’s still something wrong. But  I don’t know what else they can check me for at the RMU if i’ve already had all the tests?

I know that about half of all cases of recurrent miscarriage have no explanation, and that next time I fall pregnant I might be absolutely fine and have a healthy baby. Even so, i’m nervous about falling pregnant again in case we lose it, so i’m trying to research all possibilities to make sure we’ve got everything checked.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has experience of this and could share your experience – my email is tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com if you’d rather not comment on here.

Thanks so much ladies!

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