This is a brilliant site to visit

I’m not a great fan of cheesy, motivational quotes. This whole journey has made me more of a realist than an optimist, so I generally take that kind of thing with a pick of salt nowadays. However, i’ve found this brilliant site which gives some great insights and quotes which have picked me up on many a down day, so I thought i’d share it:

http://www.marcandangel.com

It’s not all fairies and rainbows on here, there are some pretty tough messages too, but it’s definitely worth a read and hopefully will bring a bit of inspiration on those days when nothing much helps.

Please share if it helps you out too.

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A change is as good as a rest…

Nothing massive to share, but I’ve had a pretty good few weeks and wanted to jot it all down as it’s been a nice break amongst a difficult two years. After our third miscarriage in July, my husband and I decided not to try again until we’d had chromosome testing and a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. We didn’t see the point in trying again until we’d had more tests done, in case it just happened again, so we’ve had a break from trying for the last two and a half months.

The first good thing which happened was that my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy op has been brought forward by two weeks to 17th Oct – hurray! So chuffed about this and keen to see what it shows and hoping that all will be ok. We’re on holiday at the start of October, so will be great to have a nice break and then get the op over and done with.

Also, I have started to have reflexology and am really feeling the benefits of it so far. I ovulated bang on time this month – after a 52 day cycle following the miscarriage – so i’m hoping that it’s helped to regulate things a bit. It’s also a lovely bit of relaxation time away from everything, which i’m loving. I’m having it a couple of times a month until after the op just to keep me balanced out.

I also had my thyroid checked to see if anything untoward was happening there – and all came back ok. I had it checked after the first miscarriage, but thought it was worth checking again in case the other two miscarriages had thrown it off balance, but all was ok.

Lastly, I spent a lovely weekend away with my family and have come home feeling really refreshed and happy. I live quite far away from most of my family, so my Mum and I travelled back home together and I spent time catching up with friends and family and just totally forgot about all the baby stuff, which was absolutely what I needed. They say that a change is as good as a rest and I absolutely believe that, especially after this weekend.

So that’s where we are right now. All tests are looking ok, holiday coming up next week, then the big op after that. It’s been strange not trying for a couple of months, but I have to admit that i’ve loved being able to switch off a little from it all (not as much as i’d like – but anyone trying for a baby knows that it’s impossible to forget completely!!), have some drinks with friends and enjoy being with my husband – without constant scans, tablets, trying, etc etc….!!

I’m sure that after the op things will kick in again, and I am looking forward to being able to try again, but I will miss the normality of these last couple of months. They’ve allowed me to reconnect with life and feel like myself again, which has been a welcome break after two years and three miscarriages. I hope that I can remember this feeling and keep a sense of perspective when everything starts up again. Fingers crossed!!

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Bad planning – why is our fertility clinic in the middle of the maternity ward?!

Today I was at the hospital for a check up before I go for my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. That all went fine and my op is booked for 31st October. That might seem like a long way off, but we are on holiday at the end of this month, so I’m actually pretty relieved that it won’t be before we go away. I’ve started to think that we’re cursed for holidays, as the last two we’ve been on i’ve had a miscarriage in the middle of them, so you can see why i’m a bit more nervous than most people! But i’m really pleased that i’ve got a date so I know what’s happening next 🙂

The doc has said that we can’t try for a baby until after the op, which makes sense, so we can chill out for another 6 weeks or so, enjoy our holiday, then have the op after that. The doc has said that I will have a lap and dye, hysteroscopy and also ovarian drilling, to help with my PCOS. As my cycles are anywhere between 32-52 days, it will be brilliant if it helps to regulate them a bit, so I’m hoping for this! I had a scan today too and it looks as though I’m ovulating on time, so great that my body seems to be getting back to normal after the miscarriage. It’s not much but I’m thankful for any good news at the moment!! Then depending on what the doc sees in the operation, i’ll probably be referred to the recurrent miscarriage unit for more tests, etc etc….

What I really wanted to talk about, and see if anyone else has experienced this, is that our local hospital has the fertility clinic and Early Pregnancy Unit in the middle of the Maternity ward. So whilst I was sitting today waiting for my scan and appointment, I had a young couple next to me who were cooing over their 12 week scan images, talking about baby names, etc etc, whilst I could hear from the room next to me the strong heartbeat of a baby via an ultrasound scan. Brilliant. And all the while there were women in various stages of pregnancy walking past me, Bounty packs and baby scans in hand, or wandering the halls in the early stages of labour.

I’m not someone who gets upset seeing pregnant women, and it’s lovely to hear people so happy with their pregnancy and scans etc, but f**k me, it’s bloody hard to be completely surrounded by it when you’ve lost three babies and are now going through all sorts of tests, scans, operations etc to see if you can ever carry a baby!! It just felt like another kick in the teeth from the universe – another reminder of what i’ve lost and what I don’t know if i’ll ever have.

I went to the appointments by myself today, mainly because they were just routine and I knew that nothing extraordinary would happen, but as I was walking towards the clinic I felt myself get emotional. Just sitting in the place where i’d sat so many times before, waiting for scans which would only show bad news, waiting for blood tests hoping that they’d show that things were ok, being admitted overnight for suspected ectopic pregnancy, just all of it bad news. I got through it all ok, no tears and managed to hold it together whilst I saw the doc, but I just felt sorry for myself and for all of us who are going through this long, dark, exhausting journey. I know many people reading this will be going through that same journey, and I just hope that we can all have our healthy babies and be able to enjoy a ‘normal’ life again – one with hope, happiness, contentment and fulfilment, rather than tests, stress, tears and despair. It’s only hope that gets me through this at the moment, hope that one day things will work out, and I wish this for everyone reading this too.

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Trying something new – reflexology

After our second miscarriage, I was put on Clomid and Metformin and decided to try acupuncture. I’d heard that not only was it good for balancing out the body, but good for relaxation too. I had a bloody hard time with the Clomid – it gave me hot flashes at night, made me sad, angry, tense – basically like PMS x 100, so I was willing to try anything which might even me out a bit and give my body a better chance of conceiving and carrying a baby. I tried it for about 5 sessions and have to admit that I didn’t feel a great deal of difference. I was very open and receptive to the idea of it, but maybe it just wasn’t for me. I did fall pregnant a couple of months after, whilst on Clomid, so maybe it was useful, but we lost that baby too, and I didn’t really feel like going back to it after that.

A friend of mine has also been trying for a baby for two years, like us, and she has been seeing a reflexologist who specialises in infertility and maternity, and she said that she found the treatments really relaxing, so I decided to give it a go. The idea is that every part of your body has a corresponding part on your feet – so if there are any imbalances in parts of your body, the reflexologist can feel it in your foot and then massage/put pressure on them to relieve the imbalances/issues in your body. 

My husband and I aren’t trying at the moment, as i’m waiting to have a laparascopy and hysteroscopy in the next month or so, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to try and get my body back in tune again, so off I went. I explained to the reflexologist about my PCOS, three miscarriages, the whole story, and she explained that she also has PCOS and was treated with Clomid and now has two children, so it was good to be treated by someone who knew a bit about what I was feeling and how stressful the whole trying for a baby situation is.

I didn’t find the treatment itself particularly relaxing – it’s definitely not like a normal foot rub – but when she hit certain points (my ovaries, my thyroid, my pituitary gland and others) I could definitely feel something different, and she worked on them to relieve the pressure/imbalance in them. After laying there for an hour and having all of these imbalances worked on, I definitely felt more relaxed, a bit spaced out and happily tired. She said that she could definitely feel issues with my right ovary and with all of my hormone parts (thyroid, pituitary gland, adrenal gland) but that they felt better after she had worked on them, so that has to be a good thing. She said I would probably have a very deep sleep that night or the night after and to contact her if I felt anything unusual.

I did indeed fall into a very deep sleep last night and I woke up feeling a bit strange this morning. She said that she had worked on bringing not just my body, but my emotions into balance, as women can sometimes store up their emotions unintentionally after miscarriages, which can stop your body being in balance and keep your stress levels up. When I woke up I definitely felt less stressed than I usually do, but I also felt a bit sad, nostalgic and very quiet. Even my husband noticed. He went out to the gym and I took the time to listen to some of my favourite songs in bed, have a think about things and just chill out, and I definitely felt a bit better after that.

I’m going to see the reflexologist again in a couple of weeks, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m all for trying anything which will help my mind and body be relaxed and ready for a baby, so hopefully this will work for me. If anyone has any other experiences/ideas, please let me know!

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A quote which made me think….

I saw a quote today which read ‘The trick is to enjoy life. Don’t wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead’.

It made me really sad when I read that, because that’s what trying for a baby has made me do so often – wish away my days for better ones ahead.

Before we lost our first baby, our future seemed bright, full of possibilities and having a baby was a happy certainty. One of the strangest things about infertility/miscarriage is that you never think that it will happen to you – and we were no different. After we lost the baby, things changed and we entered that world of ‘trying’ and of waiting – waiting to start fertility drugs, waiting for my period each month, waiting for ovulation scans, waiting to ovulate …..always waiting for something.

Then with our second and third miscarriages the waiting got worse – waiting for HCG results every two days, waiting every week for a month for scans with no good news, waiting for the miscarriage to start once we knew the heartbeat had stopped, waiting almost two months to get my period after the miscarriage. It was just round after round of waiting, and none of it with a happy outcome. 

And now we’re waiting again – for an operation to tell me if i’ll ever be able to carry a baby, to see if we can have IVF after all that’s happened to us, to see if anything that the doctors can do can help us to have a baby.

My experience of the miscarriages isn’t just sadness for the babies which we’ve lost, but sadness for the part of life which we’ve lost – the life which used to be carefree and certain and is now replaced with uncertainty, loss and heartache. I find myself daydreaming about if we do have a baby and realise how far off that may be, and I can’t help but wish away my days until that happy day arrives – the birth of our healthy baby. 

I know that all I can do now is stay positive and hope that one day it works out for us, even though it seems so far away. And i’m going to try not to wish my days away and be grateful for all the blessings which I do have – my amazing husband, my family and friends and my health – because despite what’s happened to us we are still very lucky and shouldn’t ever forget that.

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