Today I was at the hospital for a check up before I go for my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. That all went fine and my op is booked for 31st October. That might seem like a long way off, but we are on holiday at the end of this month, so I’m actually pretty relieved that it won’t be before we go away. I’ve started to think that we’re cursed for holidays, as the last two we’ve been on i’ve had a miscarriage in the middle of them, so you can see why i’m a bit more nervous than most people! But i’m really pleased that i’ve got a date so I know what’s happening next 🙂
The doc has said that we can’t try for a baby until after the op, which makes sense, so we can chill out for another 6 weeks or so, enjoy our holiday, then have the op after that. The doc has said that I will have a lap and dye, hysteroscopy and also ovarian drilling, to help with my PCOS. As my cycles are anywhere between 32-52 days, it will be brilliant if it helps to regulate them a bit, so I’m hoping for this! I had a scan today too and it looks as though I’m ovulating on time, so great that my body seems to be getting back to normal after the miscarriage. It’s not much but I’m thankful for any good news at the moment!! Then depending on what the doc sees in the operation, i’ll probably be referred to the recurrent miscarriage unit for more tests, etc etc….
What I really wanted to talk about, and see if anyone else has experienced this, is that our local hospital has the fertility clinic and Early Pregnancy Unit in the middle of the Maternity ward. So whilst I was sitting today waiting for my scan and appointment, I had a young couple next to me who were cooing over their 12 week scan images, talking about baby names, etc etc, whilst I could hear from the room next to me the strong heartbeat of a baby via an ultrasound scan. Brilliant. And all the while there were women in various stages of pregnancy walking past me, Bounty packs and baby scans in hand, or wandering the halls in the early stages of labour.
I’m not someone who gets upset seeing pregnant women, and it’s lovely to hear people so happy with their pregnancy and scans etc, but f**k me, it’s bloody hard to be completely surrounded by it when you’ve lost three babies and are now going through all sorts of tests, scans, operations etc to see if you can ever carry a baby!! It just felt like another kick in the teeth from the universe – another reminder of what i’ve lost and what I don’t know if i’ll ever have.
I went to the appointments by myself today, mainly because they were just routine and I knew that nothing extraordinary would happen, but as I was walking towards the clinic I felt myself get emotional. Just sitting in the place where i’d sat so many times before, waiting for scans which would only show bad news, waiting for blood tests hoping that they’d show that things were ok, being admitted overnight for suspected ectopic pregnancy, just all of it bad news. I got through it all ok, no tears and managed to hold it together whilst I saw the doc, but I just felt sorry for myself and for all of us who are going through this long, dark, exhausting journey. I know many people reading this will be going through that same journey, and I just hope that we can all have our healthy babies and be able to enjoy a ‘normal’ life again – one with hope, happiness, contentment and fulfilment, rather than tests, stress, tears and despair. It’s only hope that gets me through this at the moment, hope that one day things will work out, and I wish this for everyone reading this too.